hooded_bloke (hooded_bloke) wrote in lostincamelot,

"Kevin Costner was more loved than Snape in that........thing even.."

Who: Jonas and Richard
Where: Hungary
When: nowish
What: prelude to Camelot and arrival. Part one of two.
Warnings: They’re drunk and cracky…

Somewhere, in , in Hungary, not far from the city of Budapest, people were getting into trouble. They were old enough to know better, but apparently, they didn't. They were armed with a bottle of fine vodka, and were looking for a private place to drink it. They were the most fiercesome thing known to mankind... they were actors who had the rest of the day off.

"Niiice Awkward moment with the Keith bits." Jonas Armstrong snickered, flipping Robin Hood's hoodie off the back of his head. He hadn't actually needed to be in costume since early that morning but considering the hoodie went everywhere with him, (he'd even taken it back to England while recuperating from the injury) he hadn't bothered to get out of that, just the too tight leggings. "I really think the Sheriff and Sir Guy are getting somewhere special." he snerked.

Richard Armitage -- who, by contrast, had been all too happy to get out of his leather costume, and was wearing nothing of any extraordinary noteworthiness except a pair of paddock boots over his jeans -- was trying very hard to figure out if the keys he had taken (read borrowed without permission) from the stablemaster fit in the lock of the car he was standing in front of. They did, as it went. "That was all Keith, really. Anyway he's yet to make as much progress as he has with you -- the Sheriff has never been in bed with anyone but Robin."

"It was for a noble cause." Jonas leaned over, watching Richard mess about with the keys. "I hope it's one of the cooler cars." he bounced a little. "I mean just in case someone happens to find us here we might as well look like we've got taste yeah?" he wondered. Though he guessed he could always WARD the area if it came to that.

Richard was in no way eager to see more magic on set, a thought that always set his nerves slightly on edge, especially after the... set accidents. "I picked it because the windows are cracked slightly, we won't suffocate to death," he admitted, unlocking the back door of the car and revealing a tidy interior. It did not, unlike the stablemaster, smell like a horse. "And the taste ought to be obvious by our choice of vice. Don't drop the vodka."

"I've got it perfectly safe." Jonas promised, patting the bottle in his hand. "Niiice big backseat." he joked with a broad wink. "Very...roomy."

"You'll need it," Richard muttered, ducking inside the car and sliding across the back seat, before sitting on the floor and stretching his legs across the width of the car. "...I'm not looking forward to tomorrow."

"Tomorrow..." Jonas winced at the thought of it. "Where DID they set the effects budget this time round anyway?" he wondered. "I mean sure they promoted Hell out of us last season but even so..." Even so, the sort of thing they faced wasn't.. "I wonder what would happen if we just came in hungover."

"We'd have to do it hungover," Richard muttered, making sure there was room in the car for Jonas. "And hanging upside down hungover is a sure recipe for throwing up all over each other. Get in and close the door before Keith gets out of wardrobe."

"We could always get hurt." Jonas let himself into the car. "My therapists could send a note in suddenly that they don't want me hanging like that. And you could um....I MIGHT be able to make you look like you have a broken arm or something." he offered, shutting the door.

"I don't need a broken arm," Richard protested, "I just need to not be scheduled to hang in a net six feet off the ground with you. I mean, it's not you I object to. It's the hanging part." He wouldn't admit it, but he had the fear he might... well... fall out.

"Oh it would just be a quick glamour." Jonas stretched out in the backseat and began opening the vodka. "I mean that would save us from the hanging part kind of. They could get a double to go up with me and just really focus on my face. And that way Keith wouldn't have as much to say." Keith was Jonas's own biggest fear in this.

"They'd make me do it eventually." Richard sighed. "And you know no matter what Keith will have something to say." Richard was eyeing the vodka steadily. "Anyway, though the offer is very kind, Jonas, I'll just have to cope and get a bit squashed by you."

"Too bad." Jonas took a gulp of vodka and then passed the bottle over. "At least with the new insurance policies it should be safe enough." he said, thinking how he'd hate to fall from inside a net. "We're valuable commodities you and I." he added, slinging an arm over the car seat. "What with your leather and my hoodie..."

"I hate the leather," Richard said passionately, before taking a long, thoughtful drink from the bottle. He breathed, then offered it back to Jonas. They were doing it wrong, he thought dimly, but he hadn't been able to find glasses to drink from. "Anyway, you're the valuable commodity. You're the star. I'm just the one playing the character Keith can convince the producers to hurt."

"But the women just ADOORE you." Jonas took the bottle back and drank. "Ever see your army's webpage?" he asked with a little smirk.

"I sent them a message recently," Richard replied, amused but trying not to smile. "The women don't really adore me, you know." Not, he thought ruefully, the way Lucy adored Jonas.

"No?" Jonas pouted just a little. "At least they aren't saying you look too young. I mean too skinny I could handle if they ever came out with that. Its definitely true." he handed the bottle back over. "Okay so its all superficial but I don’t know. Its sort of not right that they like you best. You're supposed to be the bad guy" the pout became a much more mocking pout. "Kevin Costner was more loved than Snape in that........thing even.." He switched to a grin now. "Totally unfair."

Richard found himself smiling, though he knew he shouldn't. "I had a kid come up to me and say he loved to hate me on TV and I was mean to Robin Hood?" He offered. He didn't also offer the boy had come to give him a hug.

"Hah. Victory at last." Jonas proclaimed. "And yes you are." he added. "But no one knows just HOW mean you can be." he winked brightly.

"How am I the mean one?" Richard protested, leaning over and reaching for the bottle of vodka. "I don't bite people."

"That was because I had to." Jonas protested. "They did say to improvise. And erm..." he considered other things to say. "You wouldn't wear an apron that time you visited. So that's why." he stuck his tongue out just a little. "hah"

Richard took a drink before answering. "Yes, your improvisations are wonderful, much like Keith's suggestions about how to hurt Gisbourne from week to week..."

"Does he submit those in writing now or what?" Jonas pondered, snatching the bottle back. "I never HEAR them anymore, just what the scripts turned into. "

"I don't know," Richard admitted. "I just know each episode features some new form of character pain. Is pain the new character development?"

"Gotta be." Jonas took a long swig of the vodka, swirling it around thoughtfully. "But only just for us. You'd think someone else would get SOMETHING once in a while."

Richard shrugged. "The other people get character development plotlines. But you can't develop a villain too much, or they might stop seeming villainous to the audience. Alternatively, you may hate them too much. Or Keith really sold them on how hurting me would keep the viewers entertained." And, he supposed, when you thought about it, there were worse visual imagines for the female demographic than Richard Armitage and Jonas Armstrong hanging suspended in the air from a net, stuck together. But that didn't make it any easier.

"I guess it COULD be worse." Jonas allowed. "I mean it could be you and Keith or something while we've got you captured." he frowned at the thought of that idea somehow. "He'd totally play it up too."

"...it could be you and Keith," Richard retorted, then shuddered slightly, taking the bottle of vodka back from Jonas. "Anyway what's the worst thing he'll say tomorrow?"

"Something about a tasty sandwich that just needs Marian filling.” Jonas quipped. "Or how rough we're being with each other or...something." he sighed dramatically. "Therefore we are doomed."

Richard tried very hard not to laugh at Jonas' expression. He mostly succeeded. "Well the whole point of the scene is we're, I mean, they're supposed to work together." So maybe in the script they fail to do so for about three scenes, but... "I mean we've survived worse." Well. Sort of.

"Okay yeah. ...Kinda." Jonas mused. "And this time its all scripted even so we really can just go with it andn not have to think. I'm fine with that." Being in a net with Richard actually might be kind of fun, he thought. If he didn’t know that the entire cast and crew would be out there gaping.

"You're not mad with the urge to make things up as we go along?" Richard asked, a little droll. "You don't think the scene would be more interesting if we add, you know, an evil wizard, a magic spell, some hoodie destruction?"

Jonas would have gasped but no sound came out of his mouth so technically he simply gaped as he pulled his beloved hoodie tighter around him. "You...You..." he shook his head dramatically. "Only if I get to peel off your eyeliner." he amended at last.

"Please," Richard protested, "I swear I was in the bathroom for ten minutes and I still see my eye makeup. I wish they'd stop using the non-running kind. Who gives a damn if it runs if it comes off at the end of the day." Because, frankly, Richard thought, it made him a little... well, gay, really, when he was back in real people clothes.

"Yeah I mean its not like you're the type who'd head out to the clubs to pick up strapping lads and the remover cream just doesn't ever do it." Jonas nodded in sympathy. "And its not really medieval IS it..."

"Well no," Richard was quick to protest, "the Arabs have been using dark eye liner to protect their eyes for thousands of years from the desert sun. Decide what you will about that fact and Gisborne's use of eyeliner."

"He could have picked it up then." Jonas mused, "He liked dressing like a Saracen so much he had to bring home some reminder of what should have been his greatest triumph of regicide. Though I don't know. I think I'd have brought home something a little more suiting to the climate. Maybe the sheriff saw him in and decided that his boy toy ought to keep it always."

"You have your hoodies, I have my eyeliner, let's not question why too much," Richard retorted, feeling yet again the urge to laugh. He drank more vodka, knowing at some point he and Jonas would be very sick somewhere together. "It's not so unsuited to the climate," he mused after a moment, "anyway it's not unsuited to the climate inside a sound stage with all those bright lights and glares."

"That explains it then." Jonas agreed. "He's somehow traveled here into the future through...I don’t know, some fey or other's interference about that sort of thing, YOU know what they're like, and he met you and found out about these things but all knowledge save the need for eye protection completely was erased from memory. I believe that but I'd have hoped the fey would take Keith with them. He'd like it there I think."

"Or maybe," Richard intoned, almost ominously, "I traveled back in time and told him, without revealing my identity, that I am from the future, or that the makeup team likes my eye makeup a bit heavy, that he should wear eyeliner."

"Maybe." Jonas nodded. "You seem fond of secret adventures don’t you?" he leaned back against the plush seat, liking the feel of it as he swiped the vodka away and drank again, then took another drink from the bottle. "I wonder what they'd think of us." he said abruptly.

"...who?" Richard asked, startled by the change. He had been about to answer the charge of secret adventures but now he was distracted.

"Robin and Gisbourne." Jonas answered, as if Richard should have gotten that. "d'you think they'd like us?" he asked thoughtfully, sprawling out a little further, so that he was half in Richard's lap where it was just...sort of comfortable to be. "And where would we be in the scheme of things? I mean it would suck more to be stuck with the sheriff, but I don't know if I'd want to sleep on the ground when it was winter."

Richard carefully took the bottle from Jonas and drank more. Then he thought about it. "I don't know," he admitted. "Though he'd use us both to further his own goals, I think Gisbourne would like you, like Jonas. Because it's all of the... appeal of Robin without any of the danger, you know, you're not a rival, you're not landed, and you're not an outlaw." Yet, anyway. Full blooded fey weren't outlawed yet. Richard could easily foresee a future where that became distinctly possible. "And where would we be? Marian would house us. Because we're pretty."

"That would be pleasant." Jonas said, "I mean Knighton isn't Locksley but it's nice. And we'd get to see her in the morning." his eyes darted wickedly.

"Mm," Richard said vaguely, before poking Jonas lightly. "What do you think? Would Robin like me? Or would he find me disturbingly close to Sir Guy?"

"Lets seee." Jonas studied Richard for a long moment. "Omitting the sexual tension Keith claims they have would make Gisbourne sort of boring to him so at least you don’t have to worry about advances. But you're really cool to have around as a mate and you could do the lore master thing out in the forest or something. You read all of that stuff..." Okay so Jonas would confess to having read a couple versions when he'd gotten cast but not as much as Richard who he figured breathed it all. "I mean that's dead useful isn’t it?"

"...dead useful," Richard mused on his habit of researching everything. "Well I suppose if it ever happened like it does in the poems, children's stories, or interpretations, I could tell him how to avoid disaster. But when is it ever like the books?" Never, Richard thought, reaching out with one hand to fondly ruffle Jonas' hair, an impulse that was a sure sign slurred words and erratic behavior were soon to follow.

"Well yeah not a lot. But I don’t know...you probably could um....Something to do with that.," Jonas decided. "And anyway you're really cool otherwise. I mean you're my best mate you know..." he stole the vodka back and had another drink. "Like the others are great but I love you best."

"Haven't you had enough vodka?" Richard asked, leaning over to take the bottle back. "We have to be sober tomorrow, right, and because I'm your best mate and all I can't let you get so drunk you can't work tomorrow..." Richard became fascinated by the hoodie, and craned his head to look at it. It was a bad sign, he thought, in some dim, rational part of his brain when he actually could feel himself getting drunker...

"We probably don’t want me drunkerer enough than I was that time at the nightclub." Jonas agreed, then frowned when he noticed what Richard was looking at. "MY hoodie." he said rather childishly. "and yooou have to wear leather!" he crowed.

"...ah the nightclub," Richard said vaguely, leaning away from Jonas t the shouting. "Yes, your hoodie, I couldn't ever fit inside. Your hoodie. But I hate my leather." Mostly, he hated the buckles. And the leather trousers.

"mmmm." Jonas agreed, still triumphant. "the leather isn’t just as nice. Does it CHAFE you?" he asked, smirking at Richard. He usually asked this when he was drunk and usually forgot the answer. "With the pain of a thousand suns rubbing up against you?"

"No," Richard said patiently. "It doesn't." Why, he wondered, did Jonas want to know so much about the inside of his costume. "Leather is all... stylized. You know I'm a bad guy I wear black leather. If I was a good guy it would probably be brown." He didn't even hear the pun.

"Bad guys could wear very very very dark brown." Jonas offered his opinion such as it was.

"Do bad guys wear very very very dark brown?" Richard mused, leaning over to set the bottle of vodka in a cupholder in the front seat. "Is that allowed? Then again I suppose the villain is usually called the dark knight... unless he's green..."

"You'd make a good green knight." Jonas screwed up his face as he imagined it. "I mean obviously they'd have to do a lot with makeup but you could be nice looking green. I mean the Green Knight's really hot, supposedly, right?"

( "Well he's green, how hot do you think you'd be if you were green? Was the Wicked Witch of the West hot?" Richard realized this was a very ridiculous question, but brushed past this knowledge. "Anyway I don't have a big bushy beard."

"Hmm." Jonas considered carefully. "She wasn't bad in Wicked but back in the old days..." he made a face. "Eew. And no but they could add that in. I wonder who they'd go with as Gawain."

"...well I don't know," Richard admitted. "You're a little skinny to be the superhumanly strong..." Well not that skinny, he thought, really, not in a bad way at all...

"See yeah. I mean Gawain should be what...this great big Gordon type. Well more attractive than Little John..." Jonas found himself slurring just a little. "I mean so you'd know why...whaserface wanted to rape him."

"Whatserface?" Richard asked, mildly surprised that Jonas seemed quite familiar with a poem that had been written in Middle English.

"From the poem." Jonas nodded. "I remember that in school. Well kind of. I always did think it was cool how the guy just picked up his head like that. I mean you remember the little things best." That was about Jonas's memory of the poem but then school had been a while ago. "I wonder if we could get them to let us chop of Keith's head for an episode." he mused. "Like with a giant axe....Will could do that. Harry'd probably like the scene."

"I don't think we'd be able to explain how e gets it back on without turning him green first," Richard said with a sigh, though the idea of Keith with no head had its appeals.

"Maybe if he sells his soul to the...." Jonas's brain was getting overtaxed from thinking while drunk so it made sense didn’t it if his suggestions went a little out there. "The horned goat god of...Kalamazoo..." he suggested. "Have you ever wanted to go there? I sort of wanted to fly there when I was a kid. Just because it sounded fascinating. And after that I'd have gone on to Djibouti." he smirked a little.

"Go to Kalamazoo?" Richard mused, leaning slightly against Jonas. "I can't say I've ever thought about it. I used to have an enormous world map in my room growing up and I circled all the cities on the map I wanted to go visit. Back then Eastern Europe was mostly the U.S.S.R., and I wanted to go to Budapest, because I liked the way the name sounded."

"Well...." Jonas drawled after a long pause, trying to think of something that wouldn't sound dumb. "I guess you did now. Does it look like your map showed it?"

"My map showed a little red star," Richard admitted, then laughed. "I always thought Mumbai sounded like an interesting place to go. Maybe because when you say 'Mumbai' people go 'where?'."

"Yeah WHERE?" Jonas wondered.

"Mumbai." Richard repeated. "The biggest city in India. Bollywood is there."

"Ohhh." Jonas nodded as realization set in. "That WOULD be kind of cool then."

"I think so," Richard mused, stretching and finding he had nowhere to really go in the narrow back half of the car. "I like to travel and... you know. Try new stuff."

"Stuff..." Jonas nodded, scooting closer into Richard's lap. "Stuff is good. I like stuff...don’t you?"

"...which stuff?" Richard asked, feeling very warm in the still air in the inside of the car. OR maybe, he reasoned, the air was warm. Yeah. That must be it...

"Oh,...." Jonas stretched out best he could in the car seat. "I don’t know. Hoodies and Vodka and Robin Hood and...stuff." he grinned up at his friend. "And like...well you mate. I love you did you know? Like seriously." he attempted to fling an arm round Richard then realized if he did he'd have to move. "You are the most wonderfullest person here..."

Richard's head spun trying to keep up with the question. Did he like himself? Did he like hoodies? Did he what? He was dimly aware that this happened a lot (really, a lot) but felt, instead of a sense of the repetition of it all, a warm feeling in his chest, and the blindingly fuzzy sense of affection that proclamations like that from Jonas always elicited. "You're so nice to me," he gushed suddenly, his voice warm, "I think you're the best." It was Richard who leaned to throw his arm around Jonas. "Like I didn't even know I could have mates like you, really, it's all so... so..."

"So nice." Jonas grinned up at Richard, though he didn't try to kiss him or anything. That would just be WRONG somehow. Like...he didn't know how but...one of those line things. Like he'd do it for a reason if he needed to, but right now didn’t seem like he NEEDED to do anything. "Its like...I don’t know. You're like the most amazing person that I know and stuff and if I were a girl I'd totally be into you." he raved.

Richard fumbled temporarily until it occurred to him to tousle Jonas' hair, which seemed reassuringly comfortable to him. He, himself, was not thinking about anything but how happy he was all of the sudden. "You think I'm amazing?" He asked, more humbled and confused by this declaration than he was anything else, though it made him happy. "But you're the... you're the... you're the heroic one," he decided, "always taking risks, always trying new things, never doing the same thing twice. You're so daring. If I was a girl I'd fancy you so... such... ridiculous amounts."

"You're the one saves me all the time." Jonas pointed out,. "Wears aprons..." even though Richard had NOT he had allowed Jonas to say he did that time Jonas had forced him to make brownies when Richard had come to visit him. "So it's like being heroicish...you kinda do that too. It'd be nice if one of us were a girl..." he mused. "Because then it would be one of us with breasts...love those..."

"...me too," Richard agreed with enthusiasm, thinking of Dawn French. "You'd be the girl," he decided after a moment, now that visions, not of Dawn French, but a girl with Jonas' eyes were floating through his head. "A pretty girl," he added, "with pretty eyes..."

"I probably WOULD make the best girl." Jonas nodded thoughtfully. "Cause you're just so much more....I dunno...non skinny. Not FAT but...not...y'know..." he mumbled, almost picturing himself as a girl. "Bet I'd have long hair..." he decided.

"...yeah," Richard agreed, not sure what he was agreeing to. "Long hair would be pretty," he decided, "if it wasn't a mullet..." he liked the idea of a girl Jonas, but he was also drunk, and knew it. A pretty girl with a soft face...

"yeah kinda like.." Jonas was concentrating really hard on the idea of him as a girl. A definite image popped into his head and if he squinted, he could almost imagine he was getting...curvier a little. "oh funny." he mumbled as his shape changed.

Richard found himself suddenly sitting with his arm slung around a drunk girl sitting in Jonas' clothes. This wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind when he'd agreed to this, he thought dimly... "Jonas," he drawled after a moment, not moving, "did you just use your magic?" Though, he thought, resisting the urge to laugh nervously, maybe 'Joan' would have been more appropriate...

"Did I?" Jonas asked, bewildered then he looked closer and blinked hard. "Omigod I did!"

"I didn't know you could do that," Richard remarked casually, though an observant person would have noticed a red flush creeping across his face.

"I didn’t either it...wow I'm sort of hot." Jonas commented, a little distracted by some new discoveries. "Better get back to normal though before Keith comes out here." he said, trying to picture himself as he was supposed to be but it was sort of hard.
The new and gender-bent Jonas was causing Richard some mild confusion. It was hard not to notice that, yes, the girl who was still leaning on him was very attractive. "Yeah imagine what Keith would say..." cause, you know, it would be a bit hard to rationalize it later if something... accidental happened...

"Yeeah he'd be like...things.." Jonas managed to get most of his shape slowly back under control. "And he doesn’t know about the...stuff...so...

Richard had the feeling he'd be having dreams of a long-haired girl now as he watched Jonas' face return to normal, and was quiet a moment, trying to figure out what to say. "...you mean he doesn't know about your..." History. "...family?"

"Nnope." Jonas shrugged. "I mean he wasn't around on...That Day so it didn't actually come up with Keith you know?" he shrugged. "plus there'd be the fairy jokes."

"I haven't told Keith anything about that," Richard agreed. He had, maybe, possibly, let the film crew think they had crashed through the wall of the set instead of the true story, and he wasn't sure how many of them knew he'd actually taken Jonas through the wall on accident... he wasn't even sure if Jonas knew who had taken who through the wall or if Jonas, maybe, for some reason, thought it had been all Jonas and no Richard...

"It was kind of...wacky wasn’t it? We were like BAM when we intersected." Jonas slammed a fist into a hand. "But yeah its good he doesn’t know. There'd be no end to what he'd tell us."

Richard had thought it also best not to mention what exactly the visit to Jonas' parents' house had entailed and was yet again reminded that sometimes he made good decisions. "Slang has turned..." Richard searched for a word. "Unfortunate," he decided.

"Very." Jonas agreed, a little sadly. "I mean when you cant even say fey..."

"I blame the government," Richard said boldly, then realized this was not the time for that discussion. "Bloody politicians, if they could keep their scandals out of the papers for even one term..." But that was so much to ask, really, he thought, sighing as he shifted on the seat, sinking so that he was almost lying down.

"Bloody government." Jonas sighed, grabbing at Richard just a bit. " 's not like we're all THAT obsessed with sex lives not our own."

"No I know," Richard agreed soothingly, "I'm not that interested in sex lives of anybody's." He paused, unsure what to say now. It was still a delicate, carefully tiptoed around conversation, what exactly Richard was. And how much.

"Yeah its like...just get your own and no one will bug anyone anymore." Jonas had completely forgotten what the original conversation had been about.

"Some people are incapable," Richard remarked, "of keeping their noses out of other people's business." He was thinking of Keith now. "Nosy bastard."

"Alwwaays." Jonas agreed. "Needs to stay out."

Richard sighed, shutting his eyes. "What are we gonna do tomorrow?" He asked, sliding the rest of the way down until his head was on the seat's upholstery.

"get absolutely fucking pissed as soon as its over." Jonas supplied.

"Good plan," Richard agreed heartily, liking this idea. In his head he could see how it would go... "Just us or the rest of the boys too?"

"Depending on how well it goes." Jonas mused. “We should leave it open. Maybe we'll just go away and die somewhere and we don't want them to witness it. All the gore would be really...gorey."

"...death is gorey," Richard agreed, opening one eye and looking at Jonas. "I hope it goes well," he added.

"me too." Jonas agreed. "No fiery explosions or rapidly plummeting to our deaths like WHOA." he emphasized the last word loudly. "Though it'd be okay to die with you."

Richard started a little at the loud 'whoa', and gradually relaxed again when he processed it. "...it would be okay to die with me?" He asked, almost puzzled. "If I was going to die," he said, thinking about it, "it probably wouldn't be so bad to die with you..."

"Then we're all okay." Jonas proclaimed. "And that's why I love you."

"...I love you too," Richard said, as if puzzled as to what it had to do with the conversation. He could no longer remember what the conversation was, come to think of it.

"Mmmkay then." Jonas grinned, completely forgetting Keith might head around looking for them, or anyone else for this matter. Why WAS that important again anyway? he wondered. But that didn't even matter really now. "Even though 'm not a girl?"

"What does that matter? Best mates, remember?" Richard asked, squinting at Jonas. His words were starting to slur together. "Buuuut, if you're a girl again, I'ma call you Joan."

"That'd be kinda weird yeah." Jonas agreed. And then he'd probably like Richard if he were a girl and that would be a little too weird. "We'll see then..." he said at last.

"s'a good thing the producers don't know," Richard mused, to no one in particular. "Or you might have to wear a dress... don't think it goes with the scruff."

"mmmno." Jonas agreed. "and then Marian'd be upstaged. nofair.."

"Hard to upstage Lucy," Richard protested. "She's got all that pretty hair." And she fills out a dress better.

"Robin Hood's the hero though." Jonas pointed out. "Whatever episode they did it in...like Girl Robin chops off Keith's talking head and carries it to green Gisbourne's castle..."

"...green Gisbourne has a castle?" Richard mused. "I want a castle. I should have bought a castle instead of a cottage." Yeah right.

"and paint it green but not peach." Jonas nodded. "It'd be a cool party place. So long as Gisbourne doesn't paint up Locksley..."

"I wouldn't paint a castle peach," Richard protested in horror, "I'd be a copy-cat. No castle-painting. I can't afford that much paint."

"Then it could be all moudly." Jonas pointed out. "Or like viney crap"

"I like vines," Richard said. "Mould is dangerous. But vines are green. Grapes grow on vines. Maybe the castle turns grapes into wine."

"Maybe." Jonas could get behind this idea. "It'd be green and pulpu...purple." he corrected himself, catching it that time. " 'less they were greeny grapes."

"Hmm," Richard mused, trying to imagine a magical castle where grapes turned into wine. "Sounds like a Faerie castle, really."

"It does kinda..." Jonas mused. "and throwing in some crystal trees to have ogrias...orgiastic pleasure nights under..."

"Can I have a perpetual mist surround my castle yet always see the stars?" Richard asks, thinking of his one (and only intended) trip into That Place. He supposes Jonas must know, because off the top of his head Richard can't think of a single full-blooded human who would possibly make the journey from one side to the other casually. "But who would we have orgies with?" He muses, returning to a question infinitely more important, or something.

"Fey women." Jonas beamed. "Well the ones who wouldn't make us stay of course. And the misty bits...I THINK we could work that out if we went in deep enough."

"...I've never met a fey woman," Richard said after a moment. "I mean, not one who admitted it." Oh sure, he had his suspicions, but what did that mean in this day and age?

"You know...I don’t think I have either that I'm not related to. and those don’t REALLY count do they?" Jonas pondered. "I mean like....legally its kind of sick and wrong. “

"I don't think so," Richard agreed, "I mean I wasn't counting your mum..." who had definitely been full-blooded fey, if, after all, Jonas was, but... "Seems like only... people only say when they're in trouble."

"Yeeeah...that'd be kinda gross wouldn't it?" Jonas asked, thinking about it a second. He didn’t think anyone would MIND in the faerie world but here where people were normal and tried to BE normal well...."Does doesn't it?"

"Kind of gross?" Incest? Gross? You think. "Yeah probably." Richard paused then, then added, in response to the other question, "I never do mention it till I'm in trouble." er. hrm. He reminded himself it wasn't a secret. Not exactly. Only kind of. It was more personal information, like the size of his shoes. Really. Mundane. Yeah right.

"Yeah it's like..." Jonas shrugged. "Just something that doesn't come up as such."

(2 It comes up when you're disappearing through walls, Richard wanted to point out, but didn't. Better not to. It was always better not to. "I'm surprised the rest of the cast doesn't know." After all Jonas was constantly doing things that Richard recognized as magic.

"Sam does." Jonas admitted. "He kinda had to after the time we went for sodas and I wanted to put up the ward so no one would mug us."

"Sam knows everything," Richard said, almost ominously.

"Yeeah." Jonas agreed. "It is nice that he uses his powers for good and has not allied with evil Sheriff Keith."

"...evil sheriff," Richard muttered, shuddering. He remembered there was something important he was supposed to remember. Now what was it, really, what had it been...

"Eviill." Jonas nodded.

"We have to hide from him!" Richard remembered, quite belatedly. But, yes, they should hide from Keith before he, you know, found them somehow.

"Totally." Jonas scooted off of Richard and down onto the car floor. "THERE." He proclaimed.

"But," Richard protested, "now he can see me." He did the thing that seemed best to fix this problem -- he rolled off the seat onto Jonas.

"There we go then." Jonas nodded sagely. "A few hours or so and we're home free. Well not actually home home but...you know."

Which really meant, Richard thought, was that in a few hours the stablemaster would come out to his car, and puzzle as to what the two of them were doing in the back, and they wouldn't have a good answer... he shifted around until he got comfortable, laying his head against Jonas' chest, because he had nowhere else to put it. "Mm," he mused, "home." 'Home' had a bed. Richard liked beds.

"Comfortable for now." Jonas murmured the alcohol getting the best of him as his eyes shut a little.

Next time, Richard found himself predicting, he'd be smart. Really. Next time, not this time... this time he might let the heat get to him and take a nap...
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